My Problem with God
Posted Monday, March 13, 2006, 10:06 AM
To put it simply, I am not in a happy place right now. Not to sound too full of myself, but I’m starting to identify with some of the great names from the Bible. Specifically people like Elisha, Moses, Jeremiah, and other great people who did wonderful works for the all powerful Adoni. But the connection is not one that you would think. I have done no great works for the Lord, I have delivered no great message to the world around me, and I have not preformed a single miracle. What I am talking about is experiencing first hand what it is like to feel like God does not give a shit.
Wait a minuet, I take that back. God does give a shit, he is just a bastard. Up until recently I have been the first person to jump on the band wagon and say that God is a loving God, and that we as humans can not understand why he let’s evil happen in the world. Up until recently I’ve believed that God takes care of his children, and that he provides for them. However, up until recently I’ve been trusting and trusting for God to provide some way out of my current situation of only barely being able to survive in life.
Let’s go back to Moses. Moses was ripped from his family as a boy, and God provided him with a home that offered very possible advantage in his life. He still ended up finding out who is real people were, and ended up trying to do what he though was right in avenging the suffering of his people by killing a man who abused them. Well, the morality there was not exactly well thought out, but the sentiment was there. So he flees to the wilderness in order to save is life. Let’s be real about this. Up until this point in Moses’ life, other than an event that happened when he was too young to really remember, God had not appeared to him at all.
Moses then spends forty years of his life, living in the land of Midion among pagans, when one day God comes to him and says to go back to Egypt and tell Pharaoh to kiss off and let God’s people go. Moses, knowing that he is in the presence of a powerful being, tries to back off. Why was Moses tong tied? Was it because he didn’t know what to say? Could it have been because he didn’t want to say what was really on his mind? Maybe what he wanted to say was, “You left me out in the wilderness to rot for forty years just to tell me to go back and save your people!” Or maybe he didn’t feel that way.
So God needs to show the people of Egypt how powerful he is. So God smites the land with curses. Each curse is aimed at insulting one of the major deities of the Egyptians. Until finally God takes the life of every first born child, including Pharaoh’s (who was thought to be a God himself), and sparing only the Hebrews who followed Moses’ instructions. Each plague brought on more and more hardship for the Hebrews, but God still had to show that his penis was bigger than Pharaoh’s.
The story does not end there. God lead the Hebrews into the wilderness, Pharaoh’s army chases, God kills Pharaoh’s army and leads them through the Red Sea in the process. Then comes the story of the manna. That was the crap that fell out of the sky every morning, and gave them food to eat when there was none. And God made it so that they had to rely on him every morning to eat for the day. Some tried to be smart and save for a rainy day, but God made sure those plans were laid to waste by making the manna go bad if they did this. In essence, God forced the people to rely on him for everything, food, water, and safe passage.
In modern society we call this a dictator. In fact, the people start resent God and complain to Moses about it. Moses starts to get angry too, and does something that pisses God off so much that God does not allow Moses to enter the promise land. Moses strikes the very same rock that God gave them to produce water, and he did so in anger. No wonder he did it in anger. God not only shafted him with people who did not want to be so dependant on how they lived that they actually had the gall to complain about it, but God did not give him any answers as to why God was taking them on the long path around the desert instead of going straight to their destination. God’s solution is to make them all wonder for another forty years.
WTF! Tell you what, sure sounds like my life. I trust and I trust, and God provides just enough for me not to actually get by, but to suffer from being just short of what I need. So I had a discussion with a friend of mine recently, and was presented with the most wonderful explanation for the problem with pain I’ve ever heard. Apparently pain exists to “mature moral beings so that they can have a better relationship with their creator.” That’s a nice way of saying, “because God created us so we can need him, so in order to show us that we need him he only provides us with enough of what we need to stay dependant on him; lest we forget our place.” I’m sorry but that’s just like a boy sitting on top of an ant hill with a magnifying glass, who graciously does not set the ant’s on fire with the gasoline that he brought to the table, but only picks one off at time to remind the other ant’s that he is still there.
Am I bitter, yes I am bitter. Am I being childish, well that depends on who you ask. I am angry. I have worked my ass off for the last three years, trying to follow God’s will for my life, and all it has landed me in is more pain. I never get to the point where the suffering has a break, I never get to the point where I can say I’ve actually achieved anything of any value to God. I only get to a point where I fall flat on my face, begging God to let me reach the goal that I’ve fallen short of by inches, only to be told that I have to do something else now.
And the worst of it is the guilt that follows sentiments like these. Because here I am in America, with a roof over my head, food on my table every day, a wife who is beyond wonderful, and the ability to move freely about the area I live. There are people is Africa that do not have nearly as much as I do. There are kids in Africa that are born with AIDS and will not live past three years old because of the circumstances they are in. Any good Christian should be able to see that and be content with their live. But the I just get angry again and think about all the children in Africa who are suffering, and there just happens to be an all powerful being who is sitting on his ass and doing nothing about it.
Nitchez was wrong, God is not dead. God is very alive. He just is not who we think he is.